How Not To Get Blog Readers

Read the title right: How Not To Get Blog Readers, so if you came looking for tips on how to grow your readership, now maybe the best time to scoot. Also, if irony is a foreign language to you, you are strongly advised to hit the back button.

I’m quite an expert on the subject, so I thought I should post some guidelines that I mostly follow. What with all the informative articles advising otherwise, I thought I should defy the norm and post about how to avoid getting blog readers. So here’s my take on the topic:

• Turn on the “Automatically close comments on articles older than __ days” feature, if you’re on WordPress. Set the number of days to 1. No, I do not recommend turning off the comments section completely. That would be too obvious. I mean, how many people can comment on your freshly published post in a day? Of course you have to remember that the premise of this guide is that you are a new blogger who doesn’t want to get blog readers. Or else someone who’s been blogging for six years now and have totally given up getting readers to notice your blog, so you want to try it the other way instead. If you are neither then why are you reading this article?
• Post about things that interest you alone. I sometimes post about such things, but the key here is to do that for every single post. Now sing your theme song: It’s All About Me by Chelsea Staub.
• Publish paid posts exclusively. Especially those that involve writing about a fictional person (which sounds so much like you) and inserting the required keyword randomly on the post. There’s a bonus by following this step too: you will be booted out of the paid posting company that you write for. Genius right?
• Assume an ogre-like attitude and condemn other people’s businesses even if obviously it isn’t yours to mind. You can call it the “right to express your own opinion”, for euphemism’s sake.
• Do not make awesome filler posts like this. It assures instant failure of your mission. Much better, do not make filler posts at all. Refer back to third bullet.

Have you been doing everything I mentioned in the bullet points? Oh my gosh congratulations! Such a good life you have. No readers’/friends’ feelings to think of, no hassles. Wow. Next stop? Die peacefully in obscurity.

Dev Morgan is the shiz!

I was bursting with ideas on the subject when I first started, but it seems I can only come up with five points. I am such a lousy writer. I’m sure some of you have great ideas of your own, so feel free to comment below so I can add it to the collection! We might make it into a book or something, as seriously, how many times do you come across such a useful a guide like this in your lifetime? We will share profits, of course.